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July 2, 2011
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Sorry, this is kind of lengthy, but they just crack me up!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shi**ing me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
To the paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers:
if you find one...what's your plan?
December 19, 2014
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Man, that made my day. I'm still chuckling...
Dans Club
April 18, 2014
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Now dats funny, I don't cere who y'are.. dats funny ritare..
Bruce man,,,hellfar I can't stop crackin up..
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"To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of the people always possess arms and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them."
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July 2, 2011
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ese927 said
Now dats funny, I don't cere who y'are.. dats funny ritare..Bruce man,,,hellfar I can't stop crackin up..
And they are all true! In another lifetime I was a mediator (being locked up for hours in little rooms with lawyers started to do evil things to me) and I swear some of the stuff that came out of the mouths of lawyers was stupefying! 
To the paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers:
if you find one...what's your plan?
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April 18, 2014
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God Bless ya brother. I'm glad you came out ok...
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"To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of the people always possess arms and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them."
Richard Henry Lee
American Statesman, 1788
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January 24, 2009
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brucertx said In another lifetime I was a mediator (being locked up for hours in little rooms with lawyers started to do evil things to me) and I swear some of the stuff that came out of the mouths of lawyers was stupefying!
Like...??
Cuz it's my personal opinion that some lawyers seem to merely possess enough grey matter to rattle off large sounding sentences...(for a good smoke-n-mirror show) while simultaneously appearing intellectually superior to the rest of the schmucks in the courtroom...when I know damn well they don't have the brains to even change the air filter in their lawn mower!
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Charger Fan said
brucertx said In another lifetime I was a mediator (being locked up for hours in little rooms with lawyers started to do evil things to me) and I swear some of the stuff that came out of the mouths of lawyers was stupefying!
Like...??
Cuz it's my personal opinion that some lawyers seem to merely possess enough grey matter to rattle off large sounding sentences...(for a good smoke-n-mirror show) while simultaneously appearing intellectually superior to the rest of the schmucks in the courtroom...when I know damn well they don't have the brains to even change the air filter in their lawn mower!
Grant, you're correct. Our society holds up lawyers as some type on intellectual titans. The sad fact is, if they can squeak through law school all they have to do is pass the bar exam. They have several bites at that apple.
Here is one of my best personal examples lawyer lunacy.
First of all mediation is confidential. You can't compel me to testify about anything that transpired in mediation. My agreements to mediate, which all parties had to sign, stipulates that fact. Additionally, it stipulated that if you subpoena me, you have to pay me for my time and all expenses.
Well, a not too bright attorney had me subpoenaed. I had to go to court, or face contempt charges. I contacted the attorney and reminded him of the confidentiality agreement and his financial obligations to me if he forced me to come to court. He told me I didn't know what i was talking about because I wasn't an attorney and didn't know the relevant law. He then invited me to perform an unnatural act on myself and dared me not to show up.
Well the mediation was in Dallas. The court proceeding that he was compelling me to attend was in San Antonio. I went. He put me on the stand. Started asking me questions, to which I responded "all I can divulge about the mediation is that it took place on the scheduled date, all parties were there and there was no agreement reached". He kept at me, I appealed to the judge. The judge was really po'd and asked the attorney if he was aware that I was functioning under a confidentiality requirement. The judges apologized to me and sent me on my way.
I had to sue the lawyer in court to recoup 2 days of my time plus all travel expenses.
The final irony is that my suit was ordered to mediation, where he refused to negotiate. We went to court where the judge awarded me all of my expenses, including the cost of mediation. When he ignored the judgement, I then had to hire an attorney to handle the collection proceeding.
12 months later, after my legal expenses, I netted about 35% of the original judgement!
The lunatics sometimes truly do run the asylum!
To the paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers:
if you find one...what's your plan?
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March 27, 2009
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are you sure he wasn't dead?
February 20, 2008
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I swear that some of these have been on TV dialogs. Too, Two funny.
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January 22, 2008
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What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
…he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one. Luke 22:36 Life in a Jar: The Irena Sendler Project http://www.irenasendler.com/
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March 2, 2008
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Boss Dog said
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start 
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman "Were is the Self Help Section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin
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